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quinta-feira, 3 de janeiro de 2013

Self-suficience, please. And get to work.

Yesterday, I couldn't fight. I couldn't hold it together, couldn't hold myself together. You'll laugh - or maybe cry - if I told you how much times I've fallen to the floor yesterday, figuratively and literally. It's four or five times, I've fallen to my knees and hands, landing on my face in the white cold tiles, gasping for breath, trying to mend the pieces. Because - and I say it to myself often - when I got up, I'll be whole. My head will be up, my breath will be light and I'll be whole, the pieces back to their places. But yesterday, I coudn't get up. I've fallen, and I stayed there, and it's fine. I said to myself, I said it aloud: "Today, I can't fight. It's fine. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll fight again". Sometimes it's fine, because sometimes you just can't fight anymore. But yesterday, when I've fallen once more - literally, to my knees - from the weight of gravity, my tears or my fears, I've noticed it. Well, why I keep falling? I shouldn't be able to fall, since I was already down. The answer - and I didn't say it aloud because I didn't want to wake up the fears - is that despite my decision to stay down, I still getting up. This tears, this pain, this isn't give up, this isn't staying down. This is me fighting, feeling. Maybe it's a instinct buried in my skull or even deeper, in my gut. Maybe is something else entirely. But I can't stop fighting. No matter what, I won't stop. And then I got up, whole or not, with a new resolution: I know I can do it. More than that, I know I'll do it. And I know this little well of courage I've found inside myself can fade with time - and it will. I know it'll be hard and it'll take a while. But it's not that that makes this resolution, this motivation different from all the others. It's the fact that nothing changed in the end of the day. I don't feel better. I still want to give up. And this resolution didn't come from a smile, from an outbreak of happiness and determination. It came from the tears and fears and the ground. And it's not about being happy or even live, this is about surviving. It's not enough, but now it's all I got. It's all I need. I'm gonna survive this. But let's start small, let's start with just today. I'm gonna survive today. Baby steps.

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